The toothless grin is back...

...and it no longer makes me feel childlike. Alas! On the contrary it makes me realise that I am ageing. I have had some signs before, like streaks of grey, everywhere- in my head, stubble, nostrils (and I dare not go any further down-WINK WINK!) but it's only my "sans tooth" status that makes me feel really really archaic. It happened on a (not so) fine morning, coz I woke up with a toothache. As expected I ignored. Two days later I derived the formula of my life yet again-
Toothache+Carelessness*Procrastibation = Dentist => Excruciating pain.

So there I was at the dentist seat, inclined at an awkward angle of 45 degrees, with my jaw wide open and a variety of tools digging the life out of me.
My eyes still hold a vivid picture of the devil of my dentist, gritting his (not so) pearly whites and asking me all sorts of questions-
"Is it paining?" No way! It's like cookies melting into my mouth!
"How does it feel?" Heavens man! I wish it happened everyday!!
But all I did was nod in affirmative or negative. If I said anything anyway, it would all sound just the same gibberish- aa..oo..aa.a.wa...!

My tooth was decayed but strong, resolved not to leave its roots! The dentist's hand got firmer, the face more grave and his muscles more tense. All this while my dentist kept singing- "Just pulling out the filling, not your tooth" and I was like "Yeah I was born yesterday."
The ordeal went on forever. My fingernails dug valleys in my palms making some serious alterations in my love and fortune lines. (Remember Ogden Nash's This is gonna hurt a lit' bit....?)

Finally the dentist's frown blossomed into a smile. He gasped- "It's done!"
You mean done with life?? Phew!!
I gargled the blood out, felt the numbness of my swollen cheek and shelled out a heartbreaking fees. This is funny. You lose your tooth and you pay for it!

I stepped out of the clinic. The first thing I see is an old man, sans one leg, on crutches, limping his way into a barber shop. Instantly I had revelations, full Buddha style- I will grow old, lose all my faculties and eventually meet the dirt...I would have no one to look after me...I should give up my materialistic pursuits...I should zip to the Himalayas and meditate...
Looks like there is some connection between teeth and brain! Ha!

Life in a Lounge

Whenever I write anything on my blog, I am so sure that there will be a bunch of people who will be able to relate to what I say. But this time I am a bit doubtful. Tell me honestly - Do you like to wait in those long serpentine queues? Well! I do. In fact longer the queue, the better I feel.
Last week I had gone to a bank to open an FD account. (Talk about mammoth savings dude!!) So I fetch my token number and am thrilled to see that it's some 40 numbers away. I grab a seat in one corner, yawn, stretch myself and dig out a book from my bag and bury my head into it. Time just flew by and I didn't even come to know when the machine beeped my number. In fact I was so reluctant to go to the counter as I was hardly a page away from the climax of the book.

Then a couple of days back I had gone to see one of my friends at his office. He was away for lunch so I had to wait. AND I DIDN'T MIND THAT AT ALL. I just sank into the inviting arms of the leather couch that adorned their fancy lounge area. I feasted my eyes on some PYTs who passed by in their full yak-yak giggle glory. It's nice to observe people sometimes. There were so many different species at my friend's office-

The brand babes. It starts from D&G at the top and Mango in the middle and ends at Anne Klein or Nina or Hush Puppies. They make sure that you at least take a dekko at their ensemble and cajole a compliment or two too.

Then there was the ALWAYS-BUSY-BREED. No matter they are on facebook or fetching a cup of coffee or even peeing, they will always have this super busy expression pasted on their face.

Then there were the cutie love birds prancing around, some uptight bosses in designer ties and frowns, the ever so watchful guards and the bunch that keeps any office going- the coffeemakers.

Suddenly a tap on my shoulder breaks my revery and my friend greets me with a string of apologies for getting late...and in my head I am like "dude you came a bit early...I was having fun."

Then yesterday I was at my dentist's clinic. Two RCTs. OUCH! But the COUCH was o so comforting, with a Film fare in tow. Life was set! I devoured every article, all oblivion to my tooth-ache. Suddenly I was summoned. I wanted to tell- "I can wait; kindly attend the other patients" but I lethargically dragged myself from the couch and made my way to the torture chambers.

So the point that I have been trying to make for past 50 hours is that I like to wait in queues. I live my life there- thinking, reading, observing, day-dreaming...

Do you feel the same? Please let me know.

Diary Entry

My mom is talking to my nani on the phone who is schemingly hissing some fancy ideas of my marriage into her vulnerable head. I smell the rat and quietly sneak out of the house.
I must have hardly walked half a kilometer that I walk past three marriage processions on the road. How ironical! The shadi wala buildings look gorgeous, dolled up in strings of neon lights, roses and mongras. Suddenly a rocket shoots up in the sky. I crane up and witness an explosion of a thousand stars with a VIBGYOR of colors. Suddenly a smile shines on my face. I love fireworks. (No pun intended!) I guess it's only the festive vibe of weddings that can convince me into getting married!
So before I shake from my resolve I head towards Durga mandir park, my favorite get away in the evenings. I rest my bums on a bench and do my favorite thing- THINK!
The entire day replays in my mind. A lot of people since morning has tried talking marriage into my head and I love them all for their concern but I ain't convinced enough.
I think marriage is one of the most overrated institutes in our country. No matter you have a job or not, no matter you are responsible or not, if you are 25, you should be married. I don't want to sound too cynical about such a pious institute; just that I am not prepared for it yet.
What is marriage anyway? In one word, it's companionship, like they say during wedding vows- "together in health and sickness."
But for me - me, myself and I are my best companions and trust me that's not a polite term for LONER! I love my evening walks into the sunset, my quick trips to the terrace to practice my Oscar Speeches and my ever so quiet moments with my favorite books. I even go and watch movies alone and I simply love the fact that I have no one to fret and fuss over the biggest reason of war in every household- TV remote. So for me it's aloneness (solitude) than loneliness...(Gawd! there comes my masters degree in language handy!)
But I will be honest with you. No matter how much I value my privacy, I do miss a good company over the weekends. But it's more of missing a friend that a life partner!
As I keep thinking about this, I get restless and stride back home, my mind pregnant with marital thoughts (I actually wrote martial instead of marital) and I see yet another marriage procession with the groom mounting on the horseback and the Sindhi band's trumpet playing--
"yeh desh hai veer jawaano ka, albelo ka mastano ka..." just the right song to play before the veer jawaan is sold into slavery.
And if that wasn't enough, I reach home and encounter my mom.
She frowns at me and sees away- towards her dearer offspring- Sony TV, where a 64 year old Amitabh is getting married to a 34 year old Tabu and singing in the UK- Cheeni Kum hai, cheeni kum hai...
And suddenly Enrique's song plays in my mind in a truly different context-
"You can run you can hide but you can't escape..."

OM Shanti OM

It's 8:08 a.m. by the studio clock. The computer is playing Diwangi Diwangi from Om Shanti Om and here I am writing the film's reviews. Honestly I didn't want to watch the film...yeah yeah I am one of those pseudo kinds, a sucker for meaningful cinema and anti all these teenybopper pot-boilers and the usual blah blah blah...

So the breaking news of Shah Rukh's shirtless six-pack act for the first time on Indian cinema, coupled with his bulging biceps, erect nipples and rippling muscles in his much hyped "butt cracking" Darde-Disco wasn't convincing enough for me to watch the film. Neither the new nymph on the block (Deepika Padukone) had me sold over the movie. Farah tried hard by telling me on every freaky TV channel about this song in the film which is pregnant with 31 stars of the industry...but alas! I wasn't ready to budge. She even tried emotional blackmailing-
"I am 35, married to an editor who gets work from ONLY me and my films. I am pregnant with three kids, need money to bring them up, so please help me and watch my film and blah blah blah... " but sorry mate I was resolved and all I did was laugh my wicked Gabbar Singh laugh- heehaaaaaaaaaa...!

But I love my mom a lot who loves SRK a lot. And we were in the theatre watching the film.

The struggling actor(SRK) loves the beautiful star(Deepika Padukone) who loves the producer (Arjun Rampal) who decides to kill her because she stupidly tells him the most disastrous line of hindi films- main tumhare bachche ki ma ban ne wali hoon...
So the hero is dead and so is the heroine. The villian gets richer and zips to the US of America.
But picture abhi baaki hai mere dost...

SRK is reborn and so is Deepika (don't ask me why). Arjun Rampal who has been hibernating in the US all this while comes to India. SRK has flashes of the previous birth, reunites with his boodhi ma (Kiron Kher) and friend (Shreyas). He wants Arjun to pay for the heinous act of burning him and his purane janam ki heroine alive. But he can't do that alone. He needs Deepika for the same. So comes Deepika in her micro-mini-bubble-gum avtaar from Bangalore first flight! They all gang up, spook the little mickey out of Arjun Rampal by showing him the ghost of Shanti and finally he dies of a senile decay. And the whole country is 5 years old, sucks its thumb and still sleeps in its diapers and we all shall buy this crap as the biggest grosser ever.

FISH! Such brouhaha for such a yucky, pucky, constipated, dehydrated, castrated, electrocuted (and all those unmentionables) movie!! Damn!

When I was walking out of the theatre- this middle-aged aunt in front of me gasped in shock and doubt- "I think Shah Rukh's 6 pack is morphed- it's unbelievable for anyone to have a 6 pack at 42."
Are you freaking nuts?! This is all you come up with after watching the whole movie. You could believe in SRK's rebirth, Deepika's unwanted rebirth too, could also buy the fact that Deepika's spirit waited for 30 years to freak the living daylights of Arjun Rampal but you have a problem with SRK's 6 pack. I guess this shouldn't be too difficult. I mean if we can still believe that Arjun Rampal can act, we can believe anything. Wotsay!?

Main apni Favorite hoon...

says Kareena Kapoor in Jab we met and I see so many people echo the same sentiment these days. I can name three of them- Kanupriya (my colleague), Meenal (my student) and Priya (an aquaintance).
The funny filmy conversation begins with a full effervescent vibe- "You know what Lokesh- main apni favorite hoon!!!" to which I usually reply- "watched Jab we met last night?" and the obvious answer comes in affirmative and goes on to another excited one "I am so much like Kareena's character naaa?" And the rude answer in my head is- "NO! Far from it". But obviously I don't say it loud. I mean life is more beautiful when the things on the back of your mind don't come on the tip of your tongue. You know what I mean, right?

Hmm..so the question is whether I am my favorite or not?
NO! I just Hate myself...
Hate the jelly belly that I am blessed with these days...and hate it even more when I find myself doing nothing about it...and hate it the most when after cribbing about it endlessly, I find myself on the dining table with a platter full of desi-ghee ke aaloo ke parathe...haaye meri ma ka pyaar...

Hate the fact that I am growing so complacent in life...
Hate the fact that I don' have too many friends and that my weekends are o so boring...
Hate it when I don't blog often...
Hate my hunch...
Hate it when I see a dozen opportunities on television and myself without any job. Sob sob!
Hate the cribber in me who seems to be working 24 by 7...
Hate the fact that I hate so many things about myself and hate it to make it public on my blog!

Nahiiiiiiiiiiin!! My apna favorite nahiiiiiiiiiiii hoon.

Gym Smokers

This one can be a dummy guide to all the people with a huge waistline; who have been promising themselves that next will be the month to hit the gym. Wonder how one can avoid exercising especially when your exterior challenges the fact that monkeys have been our ancestors.
Gym is a small world where you have all kind of items dropping in and I call them different kind of Gym Smokers each belonging to a specific category.

The Gluttonous Lion
He is huge, with breasts putting Pamela Anderson’s to shame. He has a huge appetite both for food and weights.
He loads the heaviest dumbbells in the bar, sees around proudly, making sure he catches everyone’s (read every girl’s) attention. If he fails, then wait and watch. He roars like a true Lion at every repetition and by the time it is the tenth one, everything brittle around is cracked, the earth shaken and every eye gawks at him.

All fart no shit
He comes all branded from tip to toe. A Fila cap, a Nike tee, Puma lowers and a pair of Reebok sneakers. Not to forget the accessories- an Adidas bottle and Lotto head and wrist bands. He walks either like Salmaan or Saif dropping his shoulders up and down, in perfect rhythm with every step. He can also be called the Gluttonous Lion wannabe. He too loads the heaviest weight in the bar. He holds the bar, brings all his focus, grits his teeth, tenses his brows, draws the last ounce of strength gushing from every organ of his body and ends up inching the bar for a split of a second. He feels a vain sense of achievement. He does it everyday unaware of the chuckles, he evokes all around. Don’t blame him. Blame the extra mass he is blessed with and he just wants to throw around some weight. Pun intended!

Gym Virgins
He is new to the world; few days or maybe a week old. He looks around naively and continues to wow at practically everyone and everything around. He dreads even the slightest weight. His hands shake terribly during a work out. He is everyone’s pushover. He will very humbly give you way if you both happen to be on the same machine. He trusts everyone and sundry. You ask him to lift weight with his legs to puff his biceps and he would actually buy that.

The Obnoxious Roadside Romeo
Comes for the babes in and around the gym. Flexes his muscles against his skintight tee, ogles at all the babes, hawk eyed, and passes a few lewd comments. He is entertained, as he knows the gym instructor’s deep dark secrets.

The Morose Member
Sluggish, sagging shoulders and is always complaining about this perennial pain either in the back or neck or some part of the body. He has some genius reasons to avoid his exercise
- It’s too crowded today…
- I have an appointment…
- I didn’t have a proper meal today…
- I don’t know but there is a slight pain in my upper back and so and so forth.
He crawls in and shoots out of the gym. He is constantly looking at the clock.

Paisa Wasool Kinds
He has a different interpretation to the saying- all good things come in small packages. Perhaps that’s the reason he originally thought the gym would cost less than half of what it actually does. And now for the money he shells out on the gym, he is compelled to think that gymming is really not a very good thing!
Works out rigorously for every part- chest, shoulders, legs, arms, back, head, fingers, hair, nails and that too every freaky day. Wants to make every dime he spends worth it. Has been known to even carry home, dumbbells, CDs and even water bottles.

So which category do you think you fit into?

O' Fish

I am an RJ. People ask me about my most embarrassing moment on air and I always say- my mouth- every time I open it, I am embarrassed to pieces!

I remember many moons ago, I used to work for an Asian radio station in Dubai. There are more dos and don'ts in Dubai radio stations. So Lord Rama and Krishna are struck out of your dictionary, saying "dude" and "babe" is blasphemous and most of all nothing is sexy in Dubai, everything is just beautiful.

Now in such a scene, imagine someone say the F letter word on air!! No points for guessing, it was yours truly who did the honours!

I had to give away tickets of the movie called Aksar. Remember one of those first few crooning glories of Himesh Reshamiya- Jhalak Dikhla Ja and Lagi Lagi Lagi! That one.

I anyway speak a bit fast, so with full enthusiasm I scream "your chance to win couple tickets of Aksar."

Now you might think where is the catch?

If you say the same line in my style and pace, you will get it-
"tickets of Aksar...ticketsof--Aksar...ticketsa F-A-K-S-A-R"

But come to think of the cast of the movie, it wasn't much of a faux pas. I mean what would you call a movie that casts Emraan Hashmi and Udita Goswami. Teehee!!