An Indian Idle reviews American Idol

Let me begin with the good things-

1. Ryan Seacrest- I think he is the saving grace of the show. He is witty, funny, tongue-in-cheek and so much himself. I guess once you are engaged in a job for years, one tends to be repetitive or monotonous. Ryan Seacrest is a rarity for sure. He is fun and seems to have lots of fun on the show. And mind you, he is the ONLY one who can shut Simon's obnoxious trap and make him shift in his seat!

2. Participants-
I have two of my favorites. The first one has to be the cow-girl Kristey Lee Cook. I don't know much about singing, so can't really comment on that, but boy!!!!! she looks stunning man! She has the kind of smile that will light up any room and lift your dead spirits! My second favorite is David Cook. He seems like a good package- looks, style, singing, every thing decent enough to earn him a mention on my blog.

And now when we have got the good things out of our way, let's focus on the not so good things. There is so much of faff these days on these reality shows that it makes me wonder how on Earth can anyone speak so much. Don't they ever run short of words? I mean one can be tongue-tied sometimes or may be too confused to comment. But our esteemed judges have shit loads of things to say after every performance, half of which, even they don't understand.

Randy for example. I am sure amidst his- "check-this-out-dude-yo-yo-cool" comments, there are a plenty thoughts buzzing in his little round head. Just imagine how hilarious it would sound if we could hear his words and inner thoughts together-->
"OK check this out dude...I haven't been paid at all for this season...you were good...yet here I am giving you my useless feedback...but it wasn't the kind of performance that would make me jump and swing...and why the hell is this Paula smelling like a camel today?...so the competition is tough...and my underwear is itching...so you gotta pull up your socks...and I don't understand a word that I am saying, so I better shut up...yeah yeah??

And then there is Paula, verbally challenged. Somebody please tell her that there are a thousand and forty synonyms for the word soulful. Also if she can remove her doll-like hair from her for head and eyes. She reminds of this Indian comic character- Billoo.

Simon seems to be the most sensible of all judges but in all his comments there is this constant undercurrent of -hey-I-m-the-official-rude box-of-American-Idol-so-watch-out-for-me. If you have missed me in the last seasons, no problem, here I am, unchanged, an exact replica of the last season, the same OBNOXIOUS SIMON COWELL!
But thankfully his candid remarks do make sense sometimes. At least he (unlike Paula) doesn't find every performance breathtakingly soulful!

My last thought- the Idle team of American Idol really needs to revamp the show to save this msucial Titanic from sinking!

Tummy VS Tongue

and the obnoxious size of my tummy these days announces the terrific triumph of my tongue.

Aren’t our body parts so brilliantly bonded? There is this unheard, uncanny connection among them. The nose smells the aroma of delicacies, the eyes come alive with the riot of their colors and finally the mouth oozes Niagara of drool.

Good food always excites the little Tommy in me. I can smell great food from miles, wag my tail behind it and keep panting till my dangling tongue polishes the last morsel of everything that’s served.

During my vacation, I am sleeping like a log and hogging like a pig. Everyday begins with my eyes feasting on some grilled sandwiches filled with sinful layers of cheese and jam and some exotic veggies or parathas of all kinds, methi, aaloo, gobhi, paneer, soaked in Amul butter or Pastas cooked in three tangy sauces or Lasagnas richly baked with spinach and cheese. And of course the day also ends with my quick trips to the loo?

It’s like a constant battle between my tongue and tummy. The greedy tongue drops to the floor even at a little glimpse of food and the turbulent tummy retorts in vain.

I have been eating like there’s no tomorrow and I can’t help it at all. I feel so romantic about food. It always feels like the excitement of the first kiss, the first touch, the first night! And I can never get enough of it. After numerous gross farts and burps after every meal, my leg keeps shaking in anticipation and my spoon keeps digging in the leftovers of plate.

As I write my endless romance with food, I see my empty plate that prompts me to raid my refrigerator yet again.

Shaaaaaaaaaaaat Aaaaaaaaaap

was the crux of my meeting with my ENT specialist, though he sugar wrapped it with a million polite words and a zillion unpronounceable jargon (and needless to say charged a bomb of a fee for the same!)

My throat had been acting up for a long time, so I went to see my ENT specialist during my vacation. After numbing my throat with some yikes anesthetic drops and some jazzy mouth sprays and drilling some 50 meter long tubes (fitted with cameras), down my throat, my doctor concluded that my vocal chords were terribly inflamed and the only way to save them from further damage was to keep mum for the rest of my vacation. In other words-

“Shaaaaaaaaaaaat Aaaaaaaaaap.”

Now that’s too much to ask for from an RJ like me. Not that I go yak-yak through out the day, but to play Rani Mukherjee of Black and answer my family and friends in sign language during my vacation is very irritating.

So here I am, all zipped up, frantically smiling, frowning and nodding to everything that happens around me. The up side is that nobody will ever defeat me in dumb charades in future and the down side is that I can’t reply to my two year old nephew who innocently asks me in every two mintues-

“Ka kal lahe ho chahchu?” Alas!

So now is the golden chance for all those people who hate me. Come, shout at me, ridicule me, mock at me, abuse and assault me with the choicest of words that you so wanted to tell me all your life and my only retort would be a sheepish-

“oooo...” like a helpless puppy!

Just a Thought!

Yesterday in the gym, it just occurred to me-
"My life is so much like a treadmill. I am running endlessly and reaching nowhere!"

The toothless grin is back...

...and it no longer makes me feel childlike. Alas! On the contrary it makes me realise that I am ageing. I have had some signs before, like streaks of grey, everywhere- in my head, stubble, nostrils (and I dare not go any further down-WINK WINK!) but it's only my "sans tooth" status that makes me feel really really archaic. It happened on a (not so) fine morning, coz I woke up with a toothache. As expected I ignored. Two days later I derived the formula of my life yet again-
Toothache+Carelessness*Procrastibation = Dentist => Excruciating pain.

So there I was at the dentist seat, inclined at an awkward angle of 45 degrees, with my jaw wide open and a variety of tools digging the life out of me.
My eyes still hold a vivid picture of the devil of my dentist, gritting his (not so) pearly whites and asking me all sorts of questions-
"Is it paining?" No way! It's like cookies melting into my mouth!
"How does it feel?" Heavens man! I wish it happened everyday!!
But all I did was nod in affirmative or negative. If I said anything anyway, it would all sound just the same gibberish- aa..oo..aa.a.wa...!

My tooth was decayed but strong, resolved not to leave its roots! The dentist's hand got firmer, the face more grave and his muscles more tense. All this while my dentist kept singing- "Just pulling out the filling, not your tooth" and I was like "Yeah I was born yesterday."
The ordeal went on forever. My fingernails dug valleys in my palms making some serious alterations in my love and fortune lines. (Remember Ogden Nash's This is gonna hurt a lit' bit....?)

Finally the dentist's frown blossomed into a smile. He gasped- "It's done!"
You mean done with life?? Phew!!
I gargled the blood out, felt the numbness of my swollen cheek and shelled out a heartbreaking fees. This is funny. You lose your tooth and you pay for it!

I stepped out of the clinic. The first thing I see is an old man, sans one leg, on crutches, limping his way into a barber shop. Instantly I had revelations, full Buddha style- I will grow old, lose all my faculties and eventually meet the dirt...I would have no one to look after me...I should give up my materialistic pursuits...I should zip to the Himalayas and meditate...
Looks like there is some connection between teeth and brain! Ha!

Life in a Lounge

Whenever I write anything on my blog, I am so sure that there will be a bunch of people who will be able to relate to what I say. But this time I am a bit doubtful. Tell me honestly - Do you like to wait in those long serpentine queues? Well! I do. In fact longer the queue, the better I feel.
Last week I had gone to a bank to open an FD account. (Talk about mammoth savings dude!!) So I fetch my token number and am thrilled to see that it's some 40 numbers away. I grab a seat in one corner, yawn, stretch myself and dig out a book from my bag and bury my head into it. Time just flew by and I didn't even come to know when the machine beeped my number. In fact I was so reluctant to go to the counter as I was hardly a page away from the climax of the book.

Then a couple of days back I had gone to see one of my friends at his office. He was away for lunch so I had to wait. AND I DIDN'T MIND THAT AT ALL. I just sank into the inviting arms of the leather couch that adorned their fancy lounge area. I feasted my eyes on some PYTs who passed by in their full yak-yak giggle glory. It's nice to observe people sometimes. There were so many different species at my friend's office-

The brand babes. It starts from D&G at the top and Mango in the middle and ends at Anne Klein or Nina or Hush Puppies. They make sure that you at least take a dekko at their ensemble and cajole a compliment or two too.

Then there was the ALWAYS-BUSY-BREED. No matter they are on facebook or fetching a cup of coffee or even peeing, they will always have this super busy expression pasted on their face.

Then there were the cutie love birds prancing around, some uptight bosses in designer ties and frowns, the ever so watchful guards and the bunch that keeps any office going- the coffeemakers.

Suddenly a tap on my shoulder breaks my revery and my friend greets me with a string of apologies for getting late...and in my head I am like "dude you came a bit early...I was having fun."

Then yesterday I was at my dentist's clinic. Two RCTs. OUCH! But the COUCH was o so comforting, with a Film fare in tow. Life was set! I devoured every article, all oblivion to my tooth-ache. Suddenly I was summoned. I wanted to tell- "I can wait; kindly attend the other patients" but I lethargically dragged myself from the couch and made my way to the torture chambers.

So the point that I have been trying to make for past 50 hours is that I like to wait in queues. I live my life there- thinking, reading, observing, day-dreaming...

Do you feel the same? Please let me know.

Diary Entry

My mom is talking to my nani on the phone who is schemingly hissing some fancy ideas of my marriage into her vulnerable head. I smell the rat and quietly sneak out of the house.
I must have hardly walked half a kilometer that I walk past three marriage processions on the road. How ironical! The shadi wala buildings look gorgeous, dolled up in strings of neon lights, roses and mongras. Suddenly a rocket shoots up in the sky. I crane up and witness an explosion of a thousand stars with a VIBGYOR of colors. Suddenly a smile shines on my face. I love fireworks. (No pun intended!) I guess it's only the festive vibe of weddings that can convince me into getting married!
So before I shake from my resolve I head towards Durga mandir park, my favorite get away in the evenings. I rest my bums on a bench and do my favorite thing- THINK!
The entire day replays in my mind. A lot of people since morning has tried talking marriage into my head and I love them all for their concern but I ain't convinced enough.
I think marriage is one of the most overrated institutes in our country. No matter you have a job or not, no matter you are responsible or not, if you are 25, you should be married. I don't want to sound too cynical about such a pious institute; just that I am not prepared for it yet.
What is marriage anyway? In one word, it's companionship, like they say during wedding vows- "together in health and sickness."
But for me - me, myself and I are my best companions and trust me that's not a polite term for LONER! I love my evening walks into the sunset, my quick trips to the terrace to practice my Oscar Speeches and my ever so quiet moments with my favorite books. I even go and watch movies alone and I simply love the fact that I have no one to fret and fuss over the biggest reason of war in every household- TV remote. So for me it's aloneness (solitude) than loneliness...(Gawd! there comes my masters degree in language handy!)
But I will be honest with you. No matter how much I value my privacy, I do miss a good company over the weekends. But it's more of missing a friend that a life partner!
As I keep thinking about this, I get restless and stride back home, my mind pregnant with marital thoughts (I actually wrote martial instead of marital) and I see yet another marriage procession with the groom mounting on the horseback and the Sindhi band's trumpet playing--
"yeh desh hai veer jawaano ka, albelo ka mastano ka..." just the right song to play before the veer jawaan is sold into slavery.
And if that wasn't enough, I reach home and encounter my mom.
She frowns at me and sees away- towards her dearer offspring- Sony TV, where a 64 year old Amitabh is getting married to a 34 year old Tabu and singing in the UK- Cheeni Kum hai, cheeni kum hai...
And suddenly Enrique's song plays in my mind in a truly different context-
"You can run you can hide but you can't escape..."